Emotion sickness

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I went to the GP today. Nothing serious, just a referral for a blood test as I suspect my pesky thyroid is rearing it’s ugly head again.

Between the the blood pressure check and that weird little light thing she stuck in my ear… I cried. Not snotty, sobbing, hiccuping crying, but there was definitely tears.

And it always happens. To the point where I am sure my medical record is littered with red flags and my GP probably thinks I’m a bit odd.

I’m happy. I love my life. And I actually do, not in the way people try to mask their true feelings with over enthusiastic assertions. I’m not sad generally, or depressed (I think?). Sure, I’m tired and bit stressed (I have two children under five, one of whom is a very bad sleeper, and I’m moving and renovating. If I wasn’t tired and stressed then there’d be a problem), but who isn’t?

As soon as she asks me how I’m doing I can feel the tears start to form. I try and blink them away “All fine. Just a bit tired, but that’s normal”. But I’m sure she can tell. Which makes her dig further and me more anxious. I keep talking (why are you still talking? Why are you bloody crying?!). “Just selling, and moving and renovating. But husbands doing most of it, I get to do the fun stuff!” She slides the box of Kleenex across the table and I’m done for.

“I’m fine honestly, I don’t even know why I’m crying”.

My GP is awesome. She’s thorough and gentle and the boys love her. She diagnosed my thyroid problems and put up with all of my new-mother-neuroses when Toby was born. She is attentive and and genuine and quick with a speculum (know what I’m sayin’, ladies). It’s not her (nor is it GP specific, my sons overly affectionate preschool teacher got me once too). It’s definitely me.

I’ve analyzed my behavior over the years (generally in the car as I berate myself the entire drive home: “You’re 33 years old, dammit. Hold yourself together!”). I’m not ill, I’m not afraid of a horrific diagnosis. I’m a good Mum, I’m not fearing judgement or bad news. So what is my problem?

I have a couple of pseudo psychological theories. .

Firstly, I think it’s partly due to someone really asking me how I am. Genuinely asking, not just as a conversation filler. And asking without judgement or comparison (“Tired? You think your tired?! I worked 50 hours last week and I ran a marathon. You don’t know what tired is!”). Makes me anxious.

Pathetically, I also think it’s the eye contact. The genuine, friendly face, holding my eyes. Sadly, I think this speaks about my own confidence, but the eye contact gets me everytime. Dammit.

And then I start to think: maybe I am unhappy. And maybe it’s so deep-seeded that I don’t even realize it. Nup.

It makes me feel silly, and ridiculous (and if I’m honest, a bit pathetic). That such a situation drives me to nervous tears. I’m an adult . I’m a strong, independent woman. I’m Beyoncé! But I’m still a slave to my confidence, hormones and anxieties, I guess.

Pass the Kleenex.

Article written by Tuesdaykim

13 Responses

  1. Candice
    Candice at | | Reply

    So perfect! I’m with you with that caring eye, pay I’m the knee, look in the eyes invitation to share. I think you’ve nailed it with the thought that it’s the fact someone genuinely wants to listen x

  2. Jenny @ ohjoh
    Jenny @ ohjoh at | | Reply

    Be kind to yourself.
    Tears are OK especially if you know/think everything is fine.
    Let’s just call them tear duct cleansers.

  3. Annette
    Annette at | | Reply

    I love this post. Not because you were crying at the GP – but because you are sharing these very human, exceedingly common things that run through all our minds. The mind may say one thing but our emotions can have a completely different perspective.
    I’m no doctor – just the word speculum makes me swoon – but I have a prescription for you – a self administered dose of kindness.
    Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling – even when it messes with your Beyoncé impression – and try and keep the travel berating down to a few streets, not the whole ride home.
    Annette x

  4. Sarah | Sarah's Heart Writes
    Sarah | Sarah's Heart Writes at | | Reply

    I had something I was going to say, then I read Annette’s comment and she pretty much already said it, so I’m just going to say {hugs}. xx

  5. Kate
    Kate at | | Reply

    ” I’m an adult . I’m a strong, independent woman. “…… any human too. Wonderfully human. 🙂

  6. helenbeee
    helenbeee at | | Reply

    At a base level humans live in a world of balance. To achieve balance we need to variables we cant achieve balance without it we cant be 100 percent happy all the time thats imbalance just the same as 100 percent unhappy.
    Tears have a purpose they allow us to release perhaps they are afterall your body coping with the anxiety that is created before the visits and her voice her smile her eye contact the trigger.
    I wouldnt worry about it crying is good for you it never hurts to have a good cry every now and then. It gives happiness meaning.

  7. Kate @ One Small Life
    Kate @ One Small Life at | | Reply

    Love this open honest post. So great. Don’t beat yourself up. You are dealing with three incredibly stressful things – lack of sleep, renovations & moving house. You probably just needed a release, a space in which to say ‘Hey, I’m strong, I’m tough, I’m independent, I can so this. But seriously? This shit is HARD.’

    Don’t over think it. In my experience lack of sleep turns us all into nutjobs.

    x

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